My Beautiful Self

Inspiration often comes from unexpected places.  Lately I’ve been feeling extra sassy and wanted to capture those feelings through photographs.  I was inspired to have some beautiful pictures of of myself taken. I began to think about what was ‘beautiful’ was to me.  When I run I feel most beautiful but that wasn’t exactly what I had in mind.  So I grabbed a pen and notebook and came up with a list of great ideas for a photo shoot.  I knew exactly what I wanted to portray but wasn’t sure anyone could photograph my feelings.  I also knew I couldn’t take them myself- so I  employed my husband’s help. 

I went to him with my list of ideas and explained my epiphany.   He was reluctant at first. – This is understandable due to the fact that on several other occasions for which I asked his help, I always ended up taking complete control of the situation and completing the project myself.  So I understood his hesitation when I asked him to take my sexy pictures.  I listened to his concerns-.  When he finished, I promised that this time would be different– that I would not take over the project and I’d give him full artistic control.  With big, wide eyes and a smile on my face, I affirmed that I completely trusted him to get the shots I envisioned. 

I tried very hard to believe the words that were coming out of my mouth, but really, I couldn’t.  I wanted to trust him with my camera, but I didn’t.  But, I also knew that I had zero choice but to surrender my camera to my husband and hope for the best.   He finally agreed.

With camera in hand he slowly followed me into the room.  I hurriedly slipped into something that made me feel pretty.  A quick check of my hair in the mirror and then I positioned myself up against the wall in what I thought was a sexy pose. The look on his face told me otherwise.  So we laughed at my forced attempt to be alluring and mysterious and I moved around a bit and repositioned myself .  He snapped the first picture.  I asked to see it immediately.  He quickly told me no and that I’d have to wait until we were finished.  I knew he was right.  I let out a sigh and kept going.

We shot pictures in every room of the house in accordance with my notes.  Periodically, he’d look up from the camera and say something like “What kind of face is that?!”   I asked him what it looked like- he attempted to recreate my expression.  I started laughing so hard that I didn’t even notice he was snapping away- those are some of my favorite photos.

After I regained my composure, I began to just let go and became his muse.  He gave me great direction telling me which way to position my head and which angle looked best.  I had spent the entire afternoon not in control, and I liked it- very much.  I felt confident and beautiful!  However, this has not always been the case.

I’ve had  a love / hate relationship with my body from early on in life.   I think as a woman, I am not alone with this internal struggle.  We stand naked in the mirror and see our lives lived.  The imperfections that come with childbirth, age and bad decisions tell our stories.   Lately, when I look in the mirror I’m reminded that I’m not 21 anymore and- that’s a good thing.

At 21 I was insecure and spent way too much time focusing on my visible flaws. I was careful not to offend anyone with my opinions and often held back my enthusiasm.   Now, 19 years later I’ve slowly created my authentic self.   Now, my enthusiasm shows in everything I do. Being who I have always been rather than going through my life pursuing an idea of  the person I thought I was supposed to be is a far better way to live.  I accept my flaws both intrinsic and extrinsic.  I genuinely like myself and that is a world away from the girl I was at 21. –

I realize that I’m not going to live forever.  I remember the days of my youth when I thought I would.  If  you wait until you’ve reached your ideal weight, or until you tighten up your butt just a little more, you won’t ever do it.  We are young now- we are beautiful now- we are alive now!  Sometimes, we need to remember why God gave us beauty and just go with it.  I truly encourage all women to take time out this week, slip into something more comfortable- or nothing at all- and have your lovey snap some photos of the sensuous woman you are right now.

My Beautiful Pictures are the outward expression of my inward emotions.   They remind me to always be true to my convictions- to keep living a passionate life of self-discovery and to keep focusing on the good parts.  That’s the only way I’m ever going to live my life.

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10 thoughts on “My Beautiful Self

  1. singingbones says:

    Glad to have found your amusing and insightful blog, through Javashotsblog. I like your honesty and acceptance of your own unique beauty, especially as your physical body changes throughout time. This is not an easy thing for women, especially, to accept, the changes which time brings. Thanks for your wisdom and wonderful humor, I really loved the PMS post! SB

  2. Joel says:

    The word arouses while leaving you in anticipation. Anticipation for what?
    I am sure the word means many different things to just as many different types of people. I can express what the word means to me and what I find sexy.
    A connection with a woman beyond physical and emotional boundaries… That’s sexy.
    Feeling my aura blast out from my soul when she smiles at me. That’s sexy.
    When she whispers my name in the midst of sharing our energy.. That’s sexy.
    To me sexy is not only something you can via ably see, but more something you can experience on many different levels. To capture those levels of experience on film to me would mean you’d have to be in that sexy moment. Which then would create an entire new level of sexy for me (the images themselves). I think you are on to something extremely creative and experimental. Who knows what places this search for sexy will take you.
    The fact that you are willing to explore this and seek your personal sexy… Is in itself very sexy to me.

    • Thanks Joel for your insight. Yes I definitely was ‘in the moment’ in most of my shots. You definitely have a way with words- so glad to see you are in touch with what sexy means to you. I’m not sure if you are one of the masses or a very rare. But, after reading your comment, I think I may take this journey of what sexy means to me, a little further. Thanks!

      • Joel says:

        Don’t hold back..
        Express yourself freely and you find the truth of the void that is calling out to you.

  3. thirtystory says:

    Love this post and so true – life can’t wait for “when we’re ready” – we have to embrace it now. Love that your husband was able to help you find your true sexy self by just reminding you to be you!

  4. Brian Dill says:

    This is very insperational. I find that most people I know go though the same situations in thier life on how they see themselves. I found to love myself many years ago and have lived a better life since then.

  5. eyeunix says:

    Exceptional. I too have looked into the mirror and tried to see me as God sees me and getting there is harder than one would think. But once we realize that as women we were created in the Reflection of Gods Love… we are but His Reflection. Every imperfection dissolves before our eyes and who WE ARE comes bursting forth with much anticipation of how to love ourselves all over again! thank you Jen!

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